After many years of leaping from one PC to the next as if from ice floe to ice floe while dodging bullets from snipers on parapets, I have finally got it down pat.

     A couple weeks ago my motherboard fried because I had failed to protect it adequately against the storm, having merely turned off my UPS-surge-protected PC without also unplugging the cable to the high-speed modem, which cable the computer guy tells me is probably how the surge found its way in, a possibility I had heard about but hadn't sufficiently heeded, I guess.... Well, when that happened I realized I had now finally gathered the last bit of information needed to nail it all down. Now, at last, I can finally share with the world exactly what to do to make sure nothing bad ever happens to your computer or to you via your computer.

1. Never Forget: The Computer Is Your Enemy.

     It is out to get you. Any way that the computer can find to destroy your life, the computer is going to do.

     That's why it always seems so "productive," so "easy to use," so "able to do many things simultaneously." The computer is luring you into a sense of complacency. Just when you're thinking, "Aha, I've finally mastered this computer thing, I have finally spent all the man-years I've going to spend learning how to protect it and myself from viruses, adware, spyware, data loss, theft, fire, little kids with yo-yos and water pistols, etc.," up will pop a chink in the armor that will be your downfall. To prevent this you must be vigilant, constantly monitoring your computer through narrowed Clint-Eastwood-like eyes, always on the lookout for that one little trick up its sleeve that until now you had not suspected and about which nobody ever bothered to tell you. Don't ever relax in front of your computer. Be tense. Be worried. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

2. Keep Three Functioning Computers At All Times.

     Duplicate your files, software and settings on all three. At least once a month, copy your latest modifications and additions to the two you don't use regularly. Then when the main computer dies, you've got all your settings and the bulk of your work on the other two.

     Let's say it takes about a week to buy a new computer to replace the one that just failed you. During that time, it can easily happen that one of the remaining two computers also fails, just to spite you. When the replacement computer arrives, hurry to unpack it and plug in all the software and copy all the settings and files from the single still-alive computer before that one gives out also. Then, buy two more computers so you'll be all set when your brand new PC bites the dust a couple months later.

3. Back Up Your Crap...

     I know you're in suspense here, wondering whether I backed up my own files prior to the recent disaster. Thanks for your concern. The answer is Yes, I backed up (most of) my files. I did the most recent major backup about a week before the motherboard got zapped, to a Maxtor external hard drive. Later, about a day before the storm, I also backed up the lengthy piece I was working on by sending it to my Gmail account. So although the latest version of the piece was not on the Maxtor, I could have gotten it from my Gmail account had I needed to.

     Backups can go wrong too. Which leads me to the second half of the dictum: ...As Many Ways As Possible. Back Up Your Crap As Many Ways As Possible. Back up your files to the flash drive, to email, to an external hard drive, to the second and third computers, and to hard copy. Print out all the files you create and stick them in boxes according to which kind of file it is. I know there used to be some kind of theory about how computers would bring about the paperless society, but not everything that people say is true, is it? Keep the hard copy in case the three computers, the flash drive, the external hard drive, and the email accounts all fail simultaneously. Which you know darn well is going to happen sooner or later.

4. Maintain Adequate Security.

     Documents that you don't want anybody else to read should be encrypted, especially if you send them out over the Internet or go to the airport with them. You can also save files in unlikely subdirectories on your computer so casual snoopers cannot easily see them. (Obviously, you don't want to install desktop shortcuts to such especially hidden files. I say this only because there are stupid people, not you, some other people reading this, who will hide files on their computer and then install a desktop shortcut so they won't have any trouble remembering where they put the "hidden" files.)

     Passwords are important. The computer gurus will tell you to change your passwords once a week and to use a different password for different website-based accounts (so if someone learns one of your passwords, not all of your accounts are compromised). A better rule of thumb is to change all your passwords once an hour. That way, even if you spend half an hour of each hour changing all your passwords, you still have half an hour left for doing work. Passwords should be easy enough for you to remember and hard for anyone else to guess. If you can't think of one try @3987uasdflkcs_df988e3DQEWR#.

     At all times, people and thunderstorms are trying to sabotage your computer. Thanks to the Internet (thanks a heap, Gore), you don't have to stick an infected floppy into the computer slot to catch a virus. Yet some people surf the net without protecting themselves. Use a firewall, something better than what Microsoft now pre-installs. I use ZoneAlarm Pro. Go to grc.com to check your firewall and to perform other rudimentary tests of how vulnerable your computer might be to marauders. Also, get Spybot, Spycop, Spyblaster, and other softwares to root out and destroy spyware and adware. Run these as often as you can to make sure that something didn't sneak past your firewall. Also, stop idiotically clicking on attachments sent to you by spammers. These attachments are viruses.

     You might also want to run a memory-cleaning utility like Window Washer so your Internet "tracks" are eliminated and so your computer doesn't clog up with a lot of useless memory-clogging files. Also, stay informed about the latest hazards by buying all the latest computer books and magazines that explain computers, computer security, and ways to spend time securing your computer instead of using it to do work.

     When you're done for the day, or when the thunderstorm comes, shut everything down and unplug all the wires from the wall outlets, even if you have an APC surge protector like I just bought that can accommodate a cable modem. You know about surge protectors, right?

5. Stop Buying So Much Non-Computer-Related Stuff.

     I conservatively estimate that to be fully protected against computer malfunction and incursion by a hacker or fed, you should be spending ten, twenty, or thirty thousand dollars a year on your computers and computer-related gadgets, computer books, computer conferences, computer technicians, titanium office door, somebody to stand guard next to your computer, and so forth. Let's face it. Most people over-invest in frivolities like food, housing, clothing, transportation and the like. But you can't live without a computer.

Copyright 2005 by David M. Brown. Brown is a freelance writer and editor. To view previous installments of this column, click here.